It feels weird to have so much time on your hands. We'd always think that we should be doing something... going somewhere... and in between these things we'd always think, "I wish I could take a break even just for a while."
I'm given the opportunity to do so... and I'm feeling guilty about just sitting around the house with nothing in particular to do.... I am so bored out of my wits. I never really thought much of what I will do with all this free time. So I write....
I celebrated my birthday a few days ago.... Things weren't the same... I celebrated alone... with a couple of beers and cigarettes to keep me company. "Emo"... that's what my sister called me when I told her. Hahaha. Maybe I am.... I don't really know the exact meaning of the word. But sometimes, being alone isn't so bad for me. I liked being alone... but there is a thin line between that and being lonely. I'm not sure if I were. Lately, there are quite a few things I'm not so sure about. Maybe I am... and that's no one's fault but mine.
There has been a lot of changes... too ominous not to notice and too important to ignore. It's as if this month is everyone's turning point... be it for better or for worse. My life is turning again and it's really up to me to work it to my advantage. But whenever things become difficult, I start to ask again, "What the hell am I here for?" Most of the times I couldn't come up with an answer. But there are golden opportunities when a friend would make you remember that there is still hope... that this is something everyone's going through and it's not how many times you've failed... but how you're going to finish that will count....
And I'm thinking again...
... about writing... about what it's like to be out in the world... about standing on my own... about people I would want to meet and how I would meet them... about getting my head straight and finding that thing that I really really want to do... about being myself once more... about not being afraid to say what I mean and mean what I say... about living... and leaving....
I'm given the opportunity to do so... and I'm feeling guilty about just sitting around the house with nothing in particular to do.... I am so bored out of my wits. I never really thought much of what I will do with all this free time. So I write....
I celebrated my birthday a few days ago.... Things weren't the same... I celebrated alone... with a couple of beers and cigarettes to keep me company. "Emo"... that's what my sister called me when I told her. Hahaha. Maybe I am.... I don't really know the exact meaning of the word. But sometimes, being alone isn't so bad for me. I liked being alone... but there is a thin line between that and being lonely. I'm not sure if I were. Lately, there are quite a few things I'm not so sure about. Maybe I am... and that's no one's fault but mine.
There has been a lot of changes... too ominous not to notice and too important to ignore. It's as if this month is everyone's turning point... be it for better or for worse. My life is turning again and it's really up to me to work it to my advantage. But whenever things become difficult, I start to ask again, "What the hell am I here for?" Most of the times I couldn't come up with an answer. But there are golden opportunities when a friend would make you remember that there is still hope... that this is something everyone's going through and it's not how many times you've failed... but how you're going to finish that will count....
And I'm thinking again...
... about writing... about what it's like to be out in the world... about standing on my own... about people I would want to meet and how I would meet them... about getting my head straight and finding that thing that I really really want to do... about being myself once more... about not being afraid to say what I mean and mean what I say... about living... and leaving....
It's so hard to focus on what to do when you have free time because of all these things that come to mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment