My Free Time...

It feels weird to have so much time on your hands. We'd always think that we should be doing something... going somewhere... and in between these things we'd always think, "I wish I could take a break even just for a while."
I'm given the opportunity to do so... and I'm feeling guilty about just sitting around the house with nothing in particular to do.... I am so bored out of my wits. I never really thought much of what I will do with all this free time. So I write....
I celebrated my birthday a few days ago.... Things weren't the same... I celebrated alone... with a couple of beers and cigarettes to keep me company. "Emo"... that's what my sister called me when I told her. Hahaha. Maybe I am.... I don't really know the exact meaning of the word. But sometimes, being alone isn't so bad for me. I liked being alone... but there is a thin line between that and being lonely. I'm not sure if I were. Lately, there are quite a few things I'm not so sure about. Maybe I am... and that's no one's fault but mine.
There has been a lot of changes... too ominous not to notice and too important to ignore. It's as if this month is everyone's turning point... be it for better or for worse. My life is turning again and it's really up to me to work it to my advantage. But whenever things become difficult, I start to ask again, "What the hell am I here for?" Most of the times I couldn't come up with an answer. But there are golden opportunities when a friend would make you remember that there is still hope... that this is something everyone's going through and it's not how many times you've failed... but how you're going to finish that will count....
And I'm thinking again...
... about writing... about what it's like to be out in the world... about standing on my own... about people I would want to meet and how I would meet them... about getting my head straight and finding that thing that I really really want to do... about being myself once more... about not being afraid to say what I mean and mean what I say... about living... and leaving....

It's so hard to focus on what to do when you have free time because of all these things that come to mind.

Let Me Just Say...

I want to see your face always... whenever... wherever.... I long to touch your cheeks and tell you that I'm going nowhere without you. I want to stay where you are. I don't see anyone but you. I want your face to be the first thing I see each waking hour and the last thing before I close my eyes. If I die before I get to do these things, allow me to simply say, "Thank you". Your existence is one of the treasures I've found while my heart beats and I will eternally be grateful that you have shared it with me--even if it didn't come close to what I would have liked it to be. Just allow me this much and I will leave this life fully contented.

... and also, let me just say, "I love you dearly and honestly."

My collection...

my book collection

... so far konti pa lang... sana by the time i would retire, there would be lots of them...

Journal entry March 03, 2009

I've always loved to read. And for today's entry, I would like to write down some excerpts which I find very significant and applicable to my state of mind as for the moment... I'm going to include a verse from a song too.

"Never stop having doubts. If you ever do, it will be because you have stopped moving forward, and at that point, God will step in and pull the rug from your feet, because that is His way of controlling His chosen ones, by making sure they always follow their appointed path to the end. If for any reason, we stop, whether out of complacency, laziness, or out of mistaken belief that we know enough, He forces us on.

On the other hand, you must be careful never to allow doubt to paralyze you. Always take the decisions you needed to take, even you're not sure you're doing the right thing.

Right now... ninety-nine percent of the people on this planet are... struggling with that very question. WHY ARE WE HERE?

Only the brave... are aware that the only possible answer to the question is I DON'T KNOW.

This might, at first, seem frightening, leaving us terribly vulnerable in our dealings with the world, with the things of the world, and with our own sense of our existence. Once, we've got over that initial fear, however, we gradually become accustomed to the only possible solution: to follow our dreams. Having the courage to take the steps we always wanted to take is the only way of showing that we trust in God." (PAULO COEHLO, Brida)

"If you want to sail on the wings of the clouds

Where to, well nobody knows.

And cry... cry if you want them to see.

Die everyday to be free.

Be proud to wear the colors that you call your own.

Be loud... speak out when you want the world to know.

Be strong... hold the flame for everyone to see.

Be weak if you want to love." (FRA LIPPO LIPPI, Light and Shade)

Also, I came across one of the many issues of Readers' Digest and one particular article stood out. Sadly enough, I couldn't remember the exact words or its author. The article was about boredom and how people often think of it as being in a "glassy-eyed, drooling state..." In fact, according to the author, that we can get the most out of it if we just look at it in another perspective. Boredom actually provides us the time we need to get more acquainted with what matters internally. It provides us the time to get away from the distractions to reflect a little or a lot on ourselves, our priorities, our spiritual health. It also lays before us the opportunity to get ourselves acquainted with the arts and also--can you believe it?--LOVE. The author said that, contrary to the feeling that we accomplished nothing when we are bored, we might even discover important facts or things that we had overlooked because of our many distractions. So having known that, I might want to wish I get really bored all the time... Hahaha! Just kidding. =D

It surprises me now how I get a lot out of reading. But I know for a fact that simply knowing these is worthless unless I find out what they could truly mean in my life. Will I take the necessary steps? I'm willing, but am I brave enough? I want to find out!=D

Where to?

This question has been bugging me for ages... it seemed like I haven't been doing much in my life. Should I feel this way? Does everybody feel the same one time or another? I hope so... It's kinda scary being the only one who experiences this kind of dilemma...

I can't believe I'm complaining... I have a fairly easy life... I have work... I am just within my family's reach... I eat 3 times a day--or more if I wanted to. So I should not really complain right?

But why do I feel as if I am missing something? And that I might not find it if I stay where I am?

But I am too scared to move...

Senti muna ako... (this is by Carter's Chord)

Take off my shoes, let down my hair.
It's not quite enough for me, not enough for you to care.
Summer is lonely, summer is slow.
Run out the back door of the church, I've got to go.

'Coz I can't hold on. This is my goodbye song.
And I'm screaming out loud.

It's the same old chord. It's the same old mess.
I fall straight to the floor and take off my dress.
Now I'm exposed; I've come out clean.
Turn off the noise, ripped at seams.

Don't even know what I'm running from.
Music is over, music is done.
And it's been so long... I've been driving for years.
No one even notices I'm gone.
And I can't hold on so I'll sing you my goodbye song....
And I was screaming aloud... I'm gone...

February16, 2009-- I want to Live!

I want to start living my life!

I want to try new things--maybe go somewhere to start all over again so that I could truly appreciate what my life means. But this is never going to be easy. Every decision or choice I make, another life changes with it... somebody's going to be affected one way or another. If I decided to leave the country, it will affect my family. It may seem to them that I am throwing everything away. I know that they would be worried sick about me if they let me have my way.
Another thing is that it might be a mistake to go so far. But there's no sure way to know. And there's the financial part of this "going away" plan. I don't think I'm ready yet as far as money is concerned. I couldn't even pay the bond which makes it more difficult to leave the company I work for. The complications are stacking up so quickly.
But I couldn't shake this feeling off. That somewhere, I know almost for certain that, out there, life will make more sense to me. The thought of being out there, doing something that makes sense, immersing myself into the new ways (new at least to me), becomes more and more appealing as I think of it.
I will set myself free. I'm too wild for this place. I want to share myself with the world and I will never hold anything back again.